ZoomWear: A Virtual Fashion Guide


Brush it! Bed-head is only cute after sex. Yes, you need a haircut but don’t ask your partner to do it. Do not add resentment and disappointment over a disfiguring cut to the ticking time bomb of enforced togetherness. For grey roots, apply shoe polish, Marmite and/or moist teabags directly to scalp.


Wear them! They frame the face. Hoops, plugs, chandeliers. Staples and chicken bones will do in a pinch. (A global health crisis is also a pinch.) If you are not pierced, half a potato, a needle sterilized with a match, and a little hand sanitizer work great. A fun project for the whole family. Note: If you are low on hand sanitizer follow the recipe on EpiViral and make your own. Include the kids. If you are unable to access alcohol, aloe vera gel, and a fragrant essential oil (optional), sit on your hands.


Decorate tired old frames with twist ties, dryer fluff, faux flowers. If you do not wear glasses, fashion a pair with circles cut from toilet paper rolls.* Advanced crafters: affix carrot spirals, the only frozen food left in the supermarket, to the cardboard to create googly eyes. Toddlers will find this funny and your colleagues will appreciate the effort. 

*If you are out of toilet paper, you’ve got bigger problems.


Coco Chanel advised removing one thing before you left the house. You are not leaving the house. Add more. Drape yourself in beads, chains, macramé plant hangers, tribal neck lengtheners, bicycle tires, snakes. More family fun: string uncooked elbow macaroni into necklaces. Wear, cook, sprinkle yourself with parmesan and eat. 


If you needed a bra in the Before Times, you need one on Zoom. Yes, the under-wires dig, the straps bite, the wings chafe that tender side skin: suck it up! People are dying out there! 

Scarves, shawls, etc.:

Dig out those old dickeys! Remember shrugs? Capelets make a dramatic statement. Opera length nitrile gloves are protective and elegant both. 

Note: Resting Bitch Face: 

In Zoom Gallery, your face is framed and on display throughout. We are all frightened, worried, and disgusted, but if you are unable to maintain a pleasing, team-player countenance, just disable your video. Ladies, even in the End Times, it is preferable to be perceived as technically incompetent than a snarky bitch.

A Final Note:

No clothing below the nipple is required. But when naked from the waist down, avoid the temptation to scratch, tug on pubic hair or pleasure yourself. Zoomers are hyper-sensitive to small movements and your cohort will assume the worst. Everyone knows what you’re doing down there!

Postscript: Pajamas


If you’re going to get dressed, get dressed! Pajamas are for sleeping. They hold sweat, smears of hand cream, tomato sauce, almond butter, approximately two million dead skin cells, skids and secretions of all kinds.

Street clothes are clean folded garments, or better yet, clothing that has been hung in an airy closet a socially distanced three inches apart. Street clothes smell like Tide, America, hope. Don’t give up!