I’m Your Cousin, Formerly Malka From Borough Park

A few months ago, I received an email that read: “I’m not sure if you remember me—I’m your cousin, formerly Malka from Borough Park. I’ve thought about you over the years, as I left Orthodox Judaism and wondered about the relatives I had out there in the world.” Malka—now Sara—told me that she’d just written a book about our family, Kissing Girls on Shabbat (Simon & Schuster, $27.99).

Thanks to the winding paths of our immediate families, I grew up secular in California; Sara grew up in a Hasidic family in Brooklyn. My world included biking on the beach, raves in warehouses, low-cut jeans. Sara’s world was about faith, modesty, denying her sexuality, and preparing to marry a man.

In her memoir, Sara writes beautifully about being a gay woman in a community that demands absolute devotion and adherence to the word of an inscrutable god. Recently, I spoke to her about her book, our family, and the many lives she’s lived in the past twenty years.

CHLOE: While reading the book, I was struck by the descriptions of clothing in each period of your life. I could imagine you as a very young woman in an itchy wig and long sleeves in the ultra-Orthodox tradition, and as a slightly older young woman living in the Five Towns, wearing heels and tight but modest modern Orthodox styles. There’s a powerful scene where you first wear a bikini on the beach. How have your clothing choices reflected and been shaped by your story? What do you wear now to reflect who you are?

SARA: I have a box of wigs and I haven’t figured out what to do with them. Maybe someone who reads this would like them! One thing I learned quickly is that you needed more than two wardrobes. In the Hasidic culture, you have your weekday clothes, and your Shabbat and holiday clothes. You didn’t have workout clothes or dinner outfits, or like casual weekend clothes. So part of me getting modernized was buying yoga pants. When I first came out in 2017, I was so awkward. If I got invited to a fancy dinner, I thought, what do I wear now? Socks were really confusing for me. I was looking for the next set of rules. I had a Ph.D. at the time and I was 32 years old. But socks! The scariest thing of all was learning that there was no right way. I asked for freedom. And then when I got it, it was so intimidating.

CHLOE: I can imagine. What has it been like for you to reconnect with our side of the family?

SARA: As you know, I took on your side of the family’s name. Before I even reconnected with you all. Glass is my grandmother’s maiden name. Your grandfather’s name.

CHLOE: That’s so beautiful. I’m so grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to us, because I can imagine that was a big hurdle to cross. My family is just so over the moon. We have a new cousin! We’re so excited. Though I do have some grief and sadness around not knowing you sooner—and being able to offer you support earlier on in your journey.

SARA: When I thought about reconnecting with any family, my immediate feeling was like—family can’t be trusted, family will reject me. It was a relief to reach out to you and your mom and your brother, for everyone to just immediately be like, when can we have you over? And then your mom came to my book event in San Francisco, and brought friends and was so supportive, and I was like: Oh, family can also be this. That was really nice to see. A coming out process can be painful for some people, and there’s a lot of fire to go through. And for those people, I just want to say: there could be miracles on the other side that you can’t even imagine.

Lilith Online, August 2024, read the full conversation here.