Academic Grief: A Satire

Funeral Flower Addendum to Budgetary Protocol Memo:

Whenever practicable, daisies are nice (and cheaper than more elaborate arrangements). 

To be eligible for flowers, faculty members must have served for at least 10 years. Lilies and white roses are reserved for full professors and endowed chairs.

If the funeral is held locally, department members are urged to pick flowers from the community garden. 

If the deceased faculty member was deadwood, then cost of flowers should be taken from the line item for faculty development. 

If the deceased faculty member was Jewish, a deli tray may be ordered in lieu of flowers.  However, given budgetary constraints, only egg salad and Lender’s bagels are permissible.  Smoked fish is expressly prohibited. 

Helene Meyers is Professor of English and McManis University Chair at Southwestern University in Texas. The author of three books, most recently Identity Papers: Contemporary Narratives of American Jewishness, she is currently at work on a project about Jewish American movies. Find her on Twitter: @helene_meyers