Shalom Bayit Classes for Engaged Couples
Wedding season is upon us and for engaged couples hemming and hawing over flower and band decisions, here’s a (possibly) more productive use of your time — the S.H.A.L.O.M. workshop.Approved by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski and other “prominent Orthodox Rabbanim,” the S.H.A.L.O.M. workshop guarantees a successful marriage, or the get [Jewish divorce] is free.
No…not really.
Though the workshop does claim that a survey of S.H.A.L.O.M Workshop participants, conducted by the Shalom Task Force, found that “96% resolve their differences more effectively.”
Nothing like quoting your own study for good publicity, but hey, I’m sure it’s true. And anything that gives a leg up on building a healthy relationship is a-okay, as long as they don’t teach things like “Wives, do what your husband tells you.”
Fortunately, it doesn’t seem like they do. Here’s the blurb:
The goal of the Shalom Workshop is to teach engaged couples practical tools to achieve a healthy marriage. The ability to easily and effectively meet each other’s emotional needs helps build a strong foundation for a true Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisrael [faithful house in Israel, observant Jewish home].
In just one or two sessions the Chassan [groom] and Kallah [bride] will cover important issues such as:–Increased understanding and sensitivity to each other’s feelings
–Communicating effectively through a sense of mutual respect
–Promoting self confidence in each other
–Financial ManagementThe S.H.A.L.O.M. Workshop teaches specific, easily learned methods for successful communication and effective problem-solving. Participants emerge with a deeper self-knowledge and the tools to build a happy, successful and long-lasting marriage.
This workshop is an important addition to traditional Chassan/ Kallah classes
Workshop dates and locations in the NY Metro area are listed on the workshop’s website.
If I seem a little ambivalent about the S.H.A.L.O.M. workshop, it’s because, well, I guess I am. It’s not that I don’t respect its mission or think that helping couples foster good communication is a good thing. I most certainly do. But something rubs me the wrong way about the how it’s being marketed, as I suppose is obvious from my sarcastic comments above.
It bothers me that one needs to have rabbinic approval to take part in something like this.
It bothers me that, with all the pressure that exists on engaged couples, this seems like another added pressure and task to accomplish. If it catches on, will this be one more thing that one needs to do, and spend money on, in order to be considered appropriately ready for marriage?
But mostly it bothers me that things like showing “sensitivity to each other’s feelings” and “mutual respect” need to be taught to couples who are about to get married. Shouldn’t one have already learned these things by the time one reaches the decision to marry?
All of which I guess is to say that certain things about the way the workshop’s target demographic — the frum community – approaches marriage bothers me. I don’t think a couple needs to live together for three years before getting married, but I think a certain level of intimacy, mutual respect, independence and — dare I say it — love, should be reached before taking the plunge into a life-long commitment.
Perhaps that makes me a naïve romantic, but there it is.
Now pardon me while I go finish reading Wuthering Heights.
–Rebecca Honig Friedman
4 comments on “Shalom Bayit Classes for Engaged Couples”
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May I suggest an answer to: “But mostly it bothers me that things like showing “sensitivity to each other’s feelings” and “mutual respect” need to be taught to couples who are about to get married. Shouldn’t one have already learned these things by the time one reaches the decision to marry?”.
Probably not. What one has learned, usually, is sensitivity to one’s own feelings, especially in the Orthodox world, modern, Yeshivish or whatever. And for too many persons that is overwhelming enough. Unfortunate but from what I have observed and read about over the past few decades would seem to support my view, well, to a great extent.
Keep up the good writing.
The fact is that too many Chosson/Kallah classes suck. And it sounds like this workshop is trying to rectify that and offer some good old fashioned couples counseling before marriage ensues. Marriage and dating are very different and I think people would do well to realize that. Things that are cute during date can become entirely irritating and symptomatic of larger, deeper issues in marriage.
I take offense to the idea that the way the frum community approaches marriage is somehow lacking in “a certain level of intimacy, mutual respect, independence and — dare I say it — love, should be reached before taking the plunge into a life-long commitment.” I’ve been on the frum-side and non-frum side of the dating world and I’ve seen relationships on both sides. The frummies have problems, so do the non-frum, but it’s the frummies who focus in on the fact that most of us (whether we know it or not) are dating because we want to find that special someone, our LIFE partner, not some random hook-up. Oh, if I’d only been born frummie, I would have been spared all manner of relationship nonsense. I guess, you could say there are different kinds of intimacies.
“But mostly it bothers me that things like showing “sensitivity to each other’s feelings” and “mutual respect” need to be taught to couples who are about to get married.” This is why there is marriage counseling, therapy, etc. All people should have these qualities, engaged couples no less but just because people are married or engaged doesn’t mean that these aren’t areas that they need to work on. With the ever rising divorce rate, I would argue that this workshop only adds a pressure to engaged couples that is too often overlooked in the midst of wedding planning and needs to be addressed.
I mean this actually looks pretty interesting.
I’m a kallah and I was convinced that I saw my parents divorce and that I knew exactly what to do. That I would “never do what my parents did.” Etc.
I’ve discovered that’s not true already just from being engaged and even though I know certain things are stupid I still do them.
I am in the process of writing an article on the SHALOM Workshop for the upcoming issue of Kallah Magazine. Its approach is based on programs that have proven successful among couples of all backgrounds and religions. The person I spoke with referred to the PAIRS program. For the workshop they, essentially, have condensed (because people can only commit to a few hours) and adapted the course materials for a frum (though the whole spectrum of frum) audience. Their presenters are trained to convey the essential relationship tools people need to nurture a relationship. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the people coming in. But they are entering into something new that they need to prepare for, just as one prepares for and learns about giving birth and childcare.
Another thing to clarify. Kallah classes are more concerned with the halachos pertaining to taharas hamishpacha. It has become more common to include some relationship and communication tips along with the main course material. I agree that some kallah class instructors are not very competent in covering all aspects of intimacy. But really their focus is on one particular area, and they may not be well trained in those matters. Another key difference is that kallahs are usually instructed with one teacher and their chassons would be instructed by someone else. At the workshop, they make a point of having the two together and having them engage in exercises to really learn how to use the skills they are taught.