The Winter Issue is Up!
January 21, 2008
Lilith’s Winter 2007-2008 issue is out, and we want to hear your thoughts! Please make sure you say what article you’re responding to, and leave your comments below. (If you’re having trouble leaving a comment, you can send it to us at info@lilith.org and we’ll post it for you.)
4 comments on “The Winter Issue is Up!”
Comments are closed.
From a reader:
I read “Is JDate good for Jewish Women?” with a lot of
interest when I saw it in the front lobby of Temple
Beth Sholom in Topeka. I’ve been dating online for
nearly 7 years on 6 different websites, with mixed
results, and I sympathize with the women you talked
to. You made good points about how brutal the online
dating market is (that word ‘Market’ says it right
there). But as a heterosexual man, I need to explain
something: we guys have all the same feelings and
these problems cut both ways.
As a 30 year old bachelor dating online who really
does want to get married to a Jewish woman and have
kids, I see a lot of women who seem to wear a chip on
their shoulder when dating online. We men feel
constantly held up to a constantly changing set of
standards and expectations by women, to which we
always fail. Is he a good provider, a metrosexual, a
good dresser, dancer, talker, help around the house,
look good naked, love children, etc, etc. How many
real women meet those specs, let alone guys? Most
women I find online carry emotional baggage from their
last relationship, and I often feel I’m on trial for
some other guys’ love crimes when I email a woman.
When it’s clear she doesn’t want to be dating online,
we guys aren’t inspired to be a bigger person.
The part in your article about the cute red-head from
Sex and the City who hides the fact she’s a lawyer
when dating doesn’t address the fact that same
character is just plain hostile. The bartender who
eventually marries her asks her bluntly “Why do you
hate guys so much?” in the first few episodes where
they’re dating. At least Samantha smiles like a PR
rep when she dates a guy.
Why are we men expected to be such knights in shining
armor when the other side acts so hostile? We men
aren’t blameless -I’ve met some guys who damn
themselves to be single for life- but we also need to
be inspired by a woman who isn’t always disapointed.
“You make me wish I was a better man”, Jack Nicholson
said to Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets. As a Jewish
man in the midwest, I want to cry when I read about
the women in your article. I only write this in the
hopes they try a new approach and find that Mensch
with a big heart.
–David.
As a 50 year old, recently divorced woman who has been on jdate, I read Susan Schnur’s excellent article on e-dating with interest. Perhaps because I am NOT looking to get married and NOT looking to have kids (been there, done that) my experience has been quite different than the women in the article. For one, I see online dating sites primarily as a tool that allows me to meet men I would not meet in my usual orbits. After that, it’s up to me–and him.
Although my inbox was by no means been flooded with responses, I’ve found myself getting more male attention than I had in years–maybe, ever. And this is fun. This is exciting. I’d intentionally signed up BEFORE I felt I was really ready to date because that way I figured that I would not feel or appear desperate, lonely, too old, a loser, unloved, a wallflower, unattractive, etc. For the same reason I signed up for the six month membership because a) I’d be giving myself plenty of time to find someone and therefore would be less likely to feel desperate, lonely, etc. on any one date and b) it was the best deal, financially. I answered some emails and not others, contacted some dates and not others, instant-messaged, talked on the phone. Meeting three different men in the space of one week seemed pretty hot to me. I selected for dates in the towns that generally housed people with whom I felt simpatico, dates near my age, and only communicated who those whose work I respected. I didn’t pay much attention to photographs–theirs or mine, and indeed most of the men I met in person did not match up to their digital image.
My first dates all consisted of consuming non-alchoholic drinks in the daylight. Because I wanted to work against stereotype, I was very careful to PAY FOR MY OWN LATTE. I tried to see these meetings as an opportunity to get to know someone new, and indeed I found out all sorts of interesting facts about my town based on these conversations. I now know who built a major architectural landmark, who organizes low income housing, who discovered a new enzyme, and who is active in educational reform. Jdaters, all. And although nothing came of these meetings (some their doing, some mine) I feel enriched somehow being able to match faces and personal histories to these facts. I told most of these men that I was pretty happy with my life as it was and that I wasn’t feeling desperate but would like to meet someone I really, really liked. And although that was true, in the future I would say the same even if if was not true because my statement seemed to take the pressure off. I found an intensity to these meetings all the same, both of us trying hard to figure the other one out.
Recently, I’ve had a reoccurring fantasy. Years from now, I’ll be in a restaurant or in line for a movie, in the company of a nice enough man who has become my familiar, and I will encounter a face I vaguely recognize. He will be with a nice enough woman, maybe some kids, both of us involved in our lives. But a flicker of recognition will pass across our faces–hey, haven’t I seen you somewhere before? And I’ll remember that we once shared a pot of tea, a fondness for fondue, an interest in the work of Mordechai Richler. What I’ll want to say: “I see you met someone. How did it work out?”
I read “Is JDate Good for Jewish Women” with great interest. It was a wonderful article!
I converted to Islam from Judaism. Many Muslims utilize “marriage” sites as opposed to “dating” sites since dating is not permitted in Islam. Are there any Jewish sites specific for those seeking only marriage?
The author did an incredible job and her interviews were great. But I was sad that there was a lack of perspective from the religious angle.
Do Jewish women want to marry religious Jewish men, or just Jewish men?
I remember when I used to go to the synagogue and my husband would sit home. I used to envy the couples who attended shul together. Likewise, I am blessed that my current husband is a practicing Muslim man. I think this variable is important for both Jewish and Muslim women who love God and love their religion.
I must say, Lilith, that this current issue is the best yet. I almost didn’t renew my subscription, but thanks to this issue I will!
I am hoping future issues will be as good as this current one is!
Thanks!
From a reader:
Hello Susan Schnur,
You left out the age bracket of 70- to mid-80-year-old women in internet dating. We are healthy and active and still interested in a romantic match. We are financially independent and no longer looking for marriage, but for a real sharing between a man and woman. Men our age, unfortunately, want women 20 years younger who live right in their neighborhood.
I have been on three different internet services and know this for a fact. Two men wrote me from Manhattan
and said I sounded like an interesting woman, but Brooklyn was too far out there for them. Yet I’m in Manhattan all the time.